Local Woman Becomes Newest Member of Beloved Disneyworld Attraction

Orlando, FL

As a handful of sleepy workers opened the gates to Florida's Disneyworld Resort yesterday morning, the first person to enter the park was wide awake. This woman, Paula Rogers, was driven not by the lure of thrilling rides or sweet confections, but by the satisfaction of a dream come true and the end of a long and bitter struggle against controversy and doubt. That dream: to join Disneyworld's famed attraction, The Hall of Presidents.



Although Rogers has never been president, and has no plans of ever holding any political office, she felt a calling to be represented along side the animatronic figures of such leaders as Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, and George Washington. "I learned a lot from watching that show," stated Rogers, age 42. "Everything from the abolition of slavery to the American dream of life and love," she continued, "and I thought, that's me up there with those robots, that's everything I stand for." Pointing to a sign reading, "Newly Remodeled" dangling next to the gates of the well-known show, Rogers remarked, more than a little choked up with emotion, "This is the day I've been waiting for, for a real long time."

However, the road to success has not been an easy one for Paula Rogers. Rogers first became known to the public in 2004, when she published the book, Debunk! 1001 Reasons to Hate the World's Classic Literature to marginal success. Following a short-lived WNBA career and three years of spiritual seclusion with the Dalai Lama, Rogers was yearning to turn her ambition elsewhere. Inspiration came in the unexpected form of a Florida vacation, and some fateful ten minutes. "I'd always avoided the boring rides," recalled Rogers about the experience, "but there was no line, and, for some reason, The Hall was calling me that day. I answered."



After she left the park, Rogers spent eight months isolated in a New York City hotel, writing letters and gathering funds in support of her dream. The public seemed little interested in the proposed addition, though a small campaign against the change was spearheaded by the Daughters of the Confederacy organization. "Frankly, I was shocked that we were the only ones opposed to this appalling bastardization of American history," remarked Elizabeth Montgomery Wells, a claimed descendant of Confederate leader Stonewall Jackson. "I mean, who is this girl?" she added.

Yet, the biggest controversy was not against the addition of a robotic version of Paula Rogers, but the question of who else to place in the attraction, now that the bar had been substantially lowered. Letters poured into Disney corporate offices nominating figures as diverse as Jacques Cousteau to the entire cast of television's "Everybody Loves Raymond." In one highly publicized stunt, an anonymous donor taped an envelope containing over $50 million to a life-size cardboard representation of a Star Trek Klingon alien, in an attempt to sway the powers that be. However, the rule of "first come first serve," and perhaps a little feeling of "why not?" turned out to rule the day, and six years after it's initial conception, an animatronic version of Paula Rogers was permanently installed in Disneyworld.



Rogers's role in the program is understated, yet vital according to it's staff. Head writer Fred "Flip" Richards said of the addition, "Well, I mean, it was definitely a challenge. At Harvard they taught me all about Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Kennedy...but I really knew nothing about Paula Rogers. So basically, we started from the ground up." Karen Hashimi, of the animation department added, "The problem was, Paula Rogers has made no contribution to American political history, yet the entire purpose of this attraction is to chronicle and celebrate such contributions. It was a trying endeavor. I imagine much like building the first space shuttle. We really broke new ground here."

Finally, a final product emerged combining the austerity of past greatness with a carefree, humorous attitude more in tune with the tourist of the new millennium.



Today park-goers can sit back and revel in the history and power of the accomplishments of past presidents, but also enjoy a light-hearted commentary by the hip, more modern-day sidekick, Paula Rogers. As Lincoln recites an excerpt from his seminal Gettysburg Address, Rogers remarks, arms crossed across her chest and an unbelieving look on her face, "Alright, Beard, but can you say it in English?" After hearing a dramatization of the Bill of Rights by Thomas Jefferson, the robotic Rogers comments, "I think you forgot the right to a good barber, buddy! Am I right?"

The reaction so far has been positive, with attendance to the attraction unswayed. "I thought it was funny," said Tammy Brooks, mother of four. "And it was the first ride where the kids didn't whine about going to the motherf*cking gift shop."

For Paula Rogers, however, the attraction is more than just an amusement, it is the emblem of an aspiration realized, a reminder of the very abundance of freedom and opportunity so cherished and protected by all members of The Hall of Presidents--presidential or not.



(Rogers, rear, takes a quick break before immortality.)