Dammit!

I saw an irksome headline this week: MTV Turns 25!

The combined sins of TRL, Laguna Beach, and The Real World: Miami (shudder) aside, my beef isn't really with MTV, itself. It's just that I am nearly 25, too. Off by a couple years, true, but close enough, and we are aligned in time of year.

So what does this mean? Forever the progress of MTV will parallel the progress of my own life. Dammit! When I'm pushing forty, I'll have to suffer not only through corns and my own looming irrelevance to humanity, but a constant rotation of self-congratulatory retrospectives about how Groundbreaking those intrepid VJ's were, and don't we miss Kennedy and Kurt Loder, and remember how My Super Sweet Sixteen brokered peace in the Middle East--all hosted by scantily-clad, aging pop flotsam (Rivers Cuomo: Nowhere to go but down + looks great in a tank top).


(Bad.)

So, in protest, here's a list of alternate institutions that I so deeply wish were holding hands with my existence on this planet instead of a crappy channel with nothing to say.

* The Dr. Von Klaufenberger's Institute for Cat Butlers

* Lil' Miss Misanthrope Summer Camp

* MoonIt!--Free candy and trips to the lunar surface for all mankind


(Worse.)

* Blue, Gray, and Brave: The Society for Disabled Civil War Re-enactors

* Sweet Miss Honeysuckle's Home for Formerly-Homicidal Cat Butlers

* Sir Books-a-Lot and the Smarties: eclectic pop maestros

* Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Movie on Record (oh wait, that actually exists. and won a Grammy in 1983. naturally.)


(The last straw.)

* The Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy Erotic Fan Fiction Ring

* The Family Matters Erotic Fan Fiction Ring

* The John Lithgow Erotic Fan Fiction Ring

* The Alvin and the Chipmunks Erotic Fan Fiction Ring